A Captain Needs To Accept Fear
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: "The logical human emotion would have been fear," Spock said tonelessly as his eyes drilled in to me, "Were you not afraid?"
1. Chapter 1

It had been a long, long day and I was tired. It was only a matter of hours since we'd got off the Enterprise and I was exhausted but buzzing all the same. So much had happened today and I couldn't even begin to comprehend any of it yet. I couldn't stop thinking about it though. I was so close to the people who meant my dad had to die. I was facing the same enemy as he was and that alone was a bit mind-boggling. Would he have been proud of me? Did I do what he would have said was right?

I was hovering around in a private medical room in the medical bay (after being dragged here by McCoy because he insisted on giving me a once over to check I was okay) when Spock turned up. Forcing a grin onto my face, I said, "Hey, Spock."

"Kirk," he nodded in acknowledgement, "Are you well? Doctor McCoy said you were to remain here for the night?"

"Yup, I'm fine" I lied with a smile, fully aware that I probably looked a right state; my hair was all over the place and McCoy had plastered me in various infection fighting creams and gels - some of which was stinging like hell. My whole body ached and I was totally zonked but too alert to sleep.

"Then you will have no problem with further conversation? I have something to ask you," he told me. He watched my closely with that creepy sort of blank expression.

"Guess not," I shrugged, "What d'you want?"

"What did you feel when we were faced with the Romulan ship?" Spock asked bluntly. Not one for beating about the bush is Commander Spock.

I blinked, "What?"

"The logical human emotion would have been fear," Spock said tonelessly as his eyes drilled in to me, "Were you not afraid?"

I looked away and began fumbling around with some papers on the desk beside me just so I didn't have to meet his gaze. Spock confused the hell out of me. I can never tell what he's feeling. I mean, with nearly every other person I've met in my life you can tell pretty easily what their feeling - if not from their expression, but from their eyes. Love, hate, fear, hurt... They're all there. But not with Spock. See, he's different from the rest of us. He's like a goddamn clam! Honestly, he's worse than a clam. I know for a fact he isn't unfeeling, but by hell he puts on a pretty good show and it isn't all that useful when you're trying to figure out why he's asking you something. "No," I said eventually in response to his question. If he won't tell me anything, why should I tell him how I feel?

"You're body language suggests discomfort at my question," Spock analysed.

I looked back at him and sighed, "Does that not tell you not to ask?"

"You gave your permission for me to ask," Spock reminded me sharply.

"But I didn't know what you were going to ask!" Dammit I didn't want to talk to him about feelings! I didn't really feel like pouring out my heart and soul tonight. And certainly not to Spock! No offence to him, but I bet he'd just think I was being illogical or something.

"You intrigue me. Even during your time at the Academy you weren't one to show fear or worry. The Kobayashi Maru in particular was a time when you failed to see the point of the test was for you to feel fear," Spock told me with a slight raised eyebrow.

I sighed, "Can we not just forget the whole Kobayashi Maru thing?" I asked hopefully.

"No. We cannot," Spock retorted, "A Captain must be able to accept he cannot always win. That is something you in particular should be aware of."

"And you think I don't know that?" I snarled suddenly feeling a surge of irritation towards the pointy eared bastard in front of me. I wanted to hit him and make him shut up.

"I have no proof you know that," he said evenly. Proof? Everything's either black or white with Spock. There's no grey area. Nothing can just be.

"What kind of reaction did you want from me?" I growled, "Did you want me to scream? Or cry?"

"You don't take anything seriously, Kirk," Spock noted as he watched me intently, "You are one of the most fascinating humans I've ever seen. You are such a victim to your emotions, yet you know how to suppress certain feelings and turn them into something else."

"Isn't that what everyone does?" I demanded angrily, "Or is that another one of my faults? Huh?" My fists clenched by my sides. I wanted to hit him but I didn't think that would do me any good funnily enough. Besides, Spock could do me a fair amount of damage if I did attack him - more than I could hurt him anyway. Stupid Vulcan.

"I've watched you in action. You just seem to ignore fear and death. You just carry on fighting, laughing and making sure you're heard. It cannot be healthy to surpress all your terror and ignore death. You will come across it at some point in your life," Spock said calmly.

"And you think I don't know?" I snarled taking a step forward so we were only a few inches apart, "You think I don't understand what death is? It's because I know what it is that I ignore it! You think after my dad died I'd ever be able to live a life not really knowing about death. I grew up without my dad. I grew up without him telling me how proud of me he was, without him shouting at me for picking fights at school but being proud of me for standing up for myself. I know exactly what death is, Commander Spock."

"Do you really?" he queried, "To me you look frightened to face it. You do not admit to fear - you merely ignore it and carry on as though you don't even care. That way of dealing with emotion is certainly not very human, surely." He stood perfectly still as he spoke. He didn't even seem to register the fact I was itching to slam his head off the counter beside us. And to think he's the one talking about holding feelings inside.

"You're one to talk!" I yelled suddenly losing control and grabbing him by the collar, "You keep everything bottled up and act like your so much better than me all the time! But you're not! If it makes you happy, I was bloody terrified when I saw the Romulan ship. They were the reason my dad died the day I was born. They were the ones that could have killed me too! Hell, how do you think that made me feel? You should know! They blew up your whole fucking planet!" I don't think me shaking his collar had any effect in the Vulcan what-so-ever. He carefully but forcefully took my hands and detached me from his clothes. I struggled and tried to hit him, finally giving up any thought of self-control. It was a lame attempt though. Spock casually swept his foot behind me and kicked the back of my knees. I, as he wanted, lost my balance and stumbled with him still gripping my wrists.

"Your fear does not make you happy but it is certainly the emotion the Kobayashi Maru test was meant to make you feel," Spock told me as he lowered me to the ground without releasing me, "It seems to me that you are troubled?"

I glared, still squirming uncomfortably in his grip. What was troubling me was the fact that I had just been incapacitated by Spock. The bastard. "Get off me," I snapped.

"I do not wish to hurt you. My primary desire is to ensure you are not deluded," he told me calmly. How the hell he was still managing to keep such an empty tone when I was looking flaming daggers at him, I have really no idea.

"I'm perfectly sane, if that's what you mean," I muttered darkly.

"That is not what I meant and you know that," Spock said almost mechanically.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to bed. It's been a long day," I announced and fought against his grip. I was slightly surprised when he released me without argument but I didn't pause. I struggled to my feet and started walking out of the medical room and leaving the door wide open without looking back.

"A Captain needs to accept fear, Kirk; your father did," Spock called after me as I stormed out of the medical bay ignoring the people in the beds who were all watching me closely. I didn't care that McCoy had told me to wait in the medical room anymore. I just wanted to get the hell away from Spock.

When I got back to my dormitory, I slammed the door behind me and leaned against it. I was alone for the moment. I tilted my head back and shut my eyes. "Dad," I whispered, "If your there, I hope I did you proud."


	2. Chapter 2

I was furious with Spock - I couldn't deny that but I had this horrible nagging feeling he was right. I sighed and pulled off my shirt and flopped on my bed, kicking off my shoes and staring blankly at the ceiling. Why did everything have to be complicated? Honestly, it's just not fair. I did my best back on the Enterprise and at the Academy. Sure I wasn't a model student behaviour-wise but I scored good marks in just about everything and was pretty popular. And now here I am being put down because I don't like the concept of fear and thinking about death! To me it seems nothing I do is good enough.

I got a fright when someone started banging on my door. "Who is it?" I demanded irritably.

"Jim, it's me," came the unmistakable voice of Bones, "Let me in!"

Urgh. What did I have to do to be left alone in this place? Honestly. I groaned and got to my feet and slapped my hand on the panel beside the door. It slid open instantly and I was standing face to face with one of my closest friends. "What?" I demanded. Okay, it wasn't the best way to greet someone...

"Hello, Jim," he's said with a gentle smile, "Spock told me you'd run off."

"He did, did he?"

"Yes. He told me you were upset," Bones continued. I rolled my eyes and turned back to my bed and sat down with a thud. He stepped into the room and the door shut behind him. He grabbed the chair beside my desk and sat down in it, facing me. "You alright, Jim?" he asked.

I just looked at him blankly for a moment and opened my mouth to say something. Then I just sighed and nodded, "Yeah. Fine. Just a headache." I didn't really want to burden him with my pathetic worries. I was being childish.

Bones raised his eyebrows slightly, "Headache my ass. I know you. Spit it out. Not even you storm out of the medical bay in a mood for no reason despite the fact I told you to stay there tonight."

I gave up. I silently cursed his ability to see right through every lie I told him and buried my face in my hands."It's just... I keep thinking about my dad," I admitted eventually. Then it all came out in one big torrent of words; I just talked and talked and talked. Bones didn't need to say anything at all; all I wanted was to tell someone about it and let it all out. "What happened today... That was how my dad must have felt. For all of twelve minutes. Being Captain of a ship is great, don't get me wrong, but the responsibility? Knowing all those people are depending on you do well and get it right. Is that how dad felt? He sacrificed himself so that everyone else could live. But he left me and mum behind. I just wish... Now this is gonna sound stupid, but I just wish he could have seen what I did. D'you think he'd have been proud of me?" Kinda pathetic, huh?

"Yeah," Bones nodded with a smile, "Yeah, I do."

And then I did something that surprised both of us. I burst into tears. I could have kicked myself. "Hey, hey, it's okay!" Bones whispered, jumping up from the chair and darting to sit on the bed beside me. He awkwardly put his arms around me held my tightly. I barely noticed. I was just in such a state that I don't think I'd even noticed if Spock came in naked and started doing a flaming tap dance. I felt so utterly stupid and that just made the whole situation worse and I was howling like a wounded animal. I don't think I've cried properly in years. I just sobbed like there was no tomorrow. I just couldn't stop. I felt Bones rubbing my back softly probably trying to comfort me but I was a bit beyond that. I could hardly breath through my sobbing and I started to feel dizzy.

Bones was whispering in my ear constantly but I didn't really hear a word of it. I felt like I was drowning. I just clung around his neck with one arm and had a handful of his black t-shirt in my other hand. I have no idea what I was hoping to achieve but I just couldn't let go of him. I think, in a way, I was scared that if I did I'd be completely lost.

"Spock said... Spock said I don't take anything seriously," I blubbered miserably when the tears subsided a long time later. Bones hesitated for a moment and I struggled and looked up at him dazedly, "You agree with him, don't you?"

"No!" Bones said quickly, "It's just, hell, Jim, that's why I love you!"

"You... You what?" I blinked.

Bones sighed uselessly, "You know what I mean. You're... You're Jim." Well, duh. I rolled my eyes but listened as he carried on talking, "Back there on the Enterprise, you did brilliantly. Sure, I thought you were barking but you did great. Without you we'd probably all be dead. If you'd had a completely breakdown then we'd have been in even more trouble."

"So what you're saying is that I'm right?" I asked, wiping my eyes.

"Kinda, yeah," Bones nodded carefully, "I think what Spock was trying to say is that you can't win every fight."

I didn't answer. I knew that. I'd taken my fair share of beatings over the years but something good came from every situation, right? I looked at the ground and bit my lip.

"From what I've heard, you're very much like your dad," Spock told me, tightening his grip around my shoulders and pulling me against him again.

"Is that a good thing," I sniffled helplessly.

"You're very brave, Jim. Starfleet needs someone like you. You just need to be able to admit you're scared sometimes. However, I do think you handled the Romulan thing brilliantly. A Captain needs to be level-headed in a crisis. And... And I'll always be here for you," he added in one breath.

I nodded and smiled, "Thanks, Bones."

"Anytime, Jim," he replied softly ruffling my hair, "I think you should try get some sleep anyway. You've had a hard day."

"Uh huh..." I mumbled. I was feeling drowsy and my eyes would barely stay open, "Stay..."

"Hmm?" Bones queried.

"Stay here tonight," I clarified to exhausted to be embarrassed about asking something so silly.

"Alright," he agreed. I smiled weakly, my eyelids drooping closed. I felt Bones scoop my legs up and lie me down properly on the bed. He lay down beside me and I fumbled around for his hand and held it tightly. Then everything drifted into the still blackness of sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up suddenly with a pounding head ache. I was thirsty, sore and groggy. I felt like hell to be honest. I lay still for a moment with my mind blank. I just couldn't think straight at all. I gradually became aware that somebody was lying beside me in the bed. This puzzled me for a moment because I couldn't remember taking anyone home with me the night before. Come to think of it, I couldn't even remember going out the night before. I slowly opened my eyes and in the early morning gloom I saw Bones sleeping soundly by my side. I blinked and then everything came flooding back to me in a rush of painful emotions and dizzy memories. Oh crap...

I sat up carefully and felt every muscle in my body protesting dully. I guess getting thrown about all day didn't do me a heck of a lot of good. I groaned and buried my head in my hands. I'd made a fool of myself last night and I couldn't erase any of it. I felt dirty. I don't know why, I just did. Struggling to get out of a single bed with someone in your way isn't the easiest thing to do, but I tried anyway. I carefully climbed out of bed and made my way to the bathroom that's attached to my room. I slapped my hand on the opening panel and stepped inside. Standing in front of the mirror I stared bleakly at my own reflection.

How it's possible to looks so world-weary but so young at the same time, I'm not sure, but that's how I looked. I just looked plain exhausted but really child-like. Hey, it's like, you know when you're doing your exams at school and you're about fifteen or sixteen, but you're so damn tired and it starts to show all over your face and you look old and sick? It's like that, just multiplied by a hundred. I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. I couldn't remember everything that had been said last night and in a way I didn't want to. I was ready just to forget it and move on. I didn't want to go through it all again. I'd just face Spock later.

I turned the shower on and quickly got undressed and stood underneath the burning jet of water. I didn't care that it was too hot. I just wanted to feel more like myself again. The water was hot enough to prevent coherent thought - which is exactly what I wanted. I must have stayed in the shower for about half an hour or so. I eventually turned it off and grabbed a towel from the rack. I rubbed myself dry slowly and grinned at myself in the mirror. That was more like me. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I headed back into the bedroom.

"Mornin' Jim," Bones said groggily as he sat up in bed rubbing his eyes. When he looked at me, he seemed slightly startled my state of undress but rolled his eyes.

I smirked slightly and headed over to my wardrobe and flung it open, "Morning," I replied. I was silently begging him not to say anything about last night.

"Feeling better?" he asked in a would-be casual voice.

Damn. I tensed slightly. This was veering dangerously into a topic of conversation in which I didn't really want to be in. "Yeah," I said eventually, without elaborating.

Bones got up slowly and walked towards me, clapping me on the shoulder, "Well, I guess I best be off." Not one for hanging around, is Bones.

"Oh, come on," I said raising my eyebrows, "You can't be working this morning!"

"No, but you know you've got a reputation, Jim. If anyone sees me coming out of your room wearing the same clothes I went in with last night-."

I started laughing. I couldn't help it. Bones looked pretty relieved that I was laughing. To be honest, I couldn't blame him. If I were him, I'd be scared I was gonna have a major breakdown again. I grinned at him, "Would that bother you?"

"Well," Bones said uncomfortably. He seemed lost for words before rolling his eyes, "Dammit Jim! Do you have to be so goddamn... I don't know the word for it. Flirtatious?"

"So you thought I was flirting?" I smirked, "Well, that's a good sign. You at least see what I was trying to do." In all honesty, I wasn't really trying to do anything much and I think he knew that. It just felt so good to be back to laughing and joking with my friend. I was pretty glad we weren't talking about last night but then again, Bones knows me pretty well. He's always been good at noticing when I don't want to talk and unless he thinks it'll be a benefit, he'll just drop the subject. I like him for that.

Bones laughed slightly, "I'm going now. See you later, Jim." He turned to open the door and leave.

"Hey, Bones," I said suddenly grabbing his arm.

"Huh?" he turned, looking puzzled

"Thanks," was all I said before letting him go. Beyond that, nothing more needed to be said.

"


End file.
